How to cure your hangover the Australian way
Don’t worry, we got your bac[on].
Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on your sweater already, beers a-plenty.
It’s hard to determine right now whether you’re more repulsed by the way you feel or the way you’re handling the way you feel. You’ve achieved nothing but binge sessions of Orange Is The New Black, scrolling Instagram to the point of RSI, and getting closer than ever to the bowl.
We’re not here to condemn you for your coping mechanisms, or your poor choices of parties past (mind you, if your liver was a child, someone would have called Child Services long ago).
No, we are here to help you pull yourself together. It’s called a Code Red and these steps are standard procedure.
PLS NOTE : Within each step, you’ll find a link to a few great places near you to find said treat.
Sweet Nectar of the Gods, Part 1
This can be interpreted two ways: coffee, or if you’re off the hard stuff, green juice. Let’s talk about both.
Australia is known for its high coffee standards. In fact, with oversaturation doing its thing, you can find a decent coffee pretty much anywhere.
In fact, we have proof.
Sweet Nectar of the Gods, Part 2
Given that the powerhouse coffee-before-you-can-function mentality is sadly filtering out (pun INTENDED), healthier people are getting their morning jollies from more natural sources these days, like ginger or spirulina. With so much fresh produce in Australia, you don’t even have to fork out $10 at a juice bar, but instead just DIY at home. Nutri Bullets always pop up on Gumtree, just sayin’.
Hair of the Dawg
There are THAT many Sunday Bloody Mary specials out there. Get your face in one. Find a sunny courtyard in a local bar and hit the hard stuff before you even hit the food. It actually helps.
Ride the Wave
The more saltwater therapy for you the better: paddle out and catch a wave. There’s nothing like cold salt water to wash off those booze blues. And if you don’t have the means or skills to do that (or there is a very real chance you will drown), just rinse yourself in the ocean. Every dip feels like a christening, no matter what temperature it is that day.
It’s not like you’re starved for options, but here are 7 sweet swimming spots of the East side.
Sweat Out Your Sins, Part 1
Get your butt in a sauna. This method is similar to the snake bite tactic where you suck the venom out of the wound with your mouth and spit it out like a true cowboy. Let the steam work its magic and extract the poison from your pores.
Plus, they’re cheap as chips.
Get in the sauna: marinate in your own juices, no matter where you are in Oz.
Sweat Out Your Sins, Part 2
Go for a run or go to the gym. And no, this is not some kind of sick joke – it actually works. The only thing stopping you from maximum exertion is the fact that you’re probably still dehydrated. So pump your body with water and get yourself moving. It’s debatable whether sweating is actually scientifically proven to accelerate your recovery, but if not, the placebo effect will.
Here are the hottest running spots around the country.
Bacon, Bacon and More Bacon
The crispy, salty taste will make you feel so much better, and it’ll wash down wonderfully with the aforementioned coffee/green juice/Bloody Mary.
We’ve found the best places down under to purge like/on a lil piggy.
Do Go Chasing Waterfalls
Australia is filled with natural springs. The majesty of the waterfall lies within their beauty, obviously, but they also reinvigorate the senses. You’ll revive the cells with a dip, revive the nerves with the aggressive water pressure, and revive the brain with the layman’s puzzle of how they logistically work without running out of water. Let your slow brain chew on that one for a while.
Don’t know where to look? We’ve sussed the springs spots.
Even if you haven’t managed to keep anything down so far, we bet you’ll find a way to manage this. When in doubt, yum cha. You know it’s true. This is one of the few times where MSG is actually celebrated, so get it up in ya.
We recommend these joints for dunking dumplings.